Small Group Ministry Handbook

First Parish in Bedford
by Doug Muder

October, 2002

Introduction

This handbook introduces the Small Group Ministry program at First Parish in Bedford. It is intended to be used both by people who are deciding whether they want to join a group, and as a reference for the groups themselves.

The sections of this handbook cover:

• the purpose and history of Small Group Ministry in general;
• the structure of the groups, how they are formed, and how they fit into the larger structure of the SGM program and First Parish as a whole;
• the format of the group meetings, including a sample of a meeting plan;
• guidelines for participating in the discussion;

• how topics for the discussions are chosen.

Small Group Ministry in General

The Small Group Ministry idea has spread quickly through Unitarian-Universalist churches. It was virtually unknown five years ago, and now hundreds of churches have programs either underway or on the drawing board.

Of course, there is nothing new about parishioners meeting together in small groups and having discussions. However, the groups of a Small Group Ministry program have a unique set of features that make them different from study groups, classes, committees, task forces, support groups, affinity groups, or any of the other groups that one typically finds in a church.

• The groups are people-centered rather than topic-centered or task-centered.You may get to know people by serving on a committee with them, but that's not why committees exist. Committee meetings are designed to get something done, not to foster connections between people. >
• The groups are on-going rather than running for a set term.Not everyone who joins a group will stay with it for years and years, but the possibility is there if you want it.
• The groups are not isolated, but are part of a program that is integrated with the larger life of the church.

Purpose

Different churches have used different words to describe the purpose of their Small Group Ministry programs, but the same general themes are always present. We express it this way:

Members of a Small Group Ministry group get to know one another by participating together in discussions of topics of universal human significance. The spirit of community that develops in a group radiates outward, increasing the members' connection to First Parish as a whole.

This purpose motivates everything about SGM -- the size of the groups, the structure of the program, the form of the meetings, the topics discussed, and the ground rules of discussion. The statement of purpose explains what SGM is and is not.

SGM is not a debate society or a study group. The point is not to convert other people to your opinion or to impress them with your intelligence and knowledge, but to speak your truth so that others can know you, and to listen to others speak their truth so that you can know them. The topics are not ends in themselves; we don't talk about, say,community orforgiveness because we want everyone to become experts incommunity orforgiveness. The topics are means to the end of getting to know each other. By watching and listening to each other grapple with the topics, the participants learn about each other in a different way than they would by serving on a committee or meeting at a purely social event.

SGM is also not therapy. The point is to get to know one another, not to solve each other's problems or give each other advice. It's notTruth or Dare. People get to know each other not by confessing their deepest darkest secrets, but by participating together in discussion.

The topics are intended to focus the group's attention on the things we have in common just by being human. And so SGM groups are not affinity groups; the topics do not assume any shared special interests or experiences. But everyone was born and everyone will die. Everyone has successes and failures, loves and losses. Everyone has the same fundamental needs and the same basic emotions. Just being human gives us a great deal to talk about.

Finally, the purpose of a small group is not to replace First Parish's other activities or to cut group members off from the rest of the congregation, but to draw them further in. Many other UU churches have found that SGM does not satiate or exhaust the participants' appetite for community, but whets it. Having discovered how much common humanity they share with an apparently random group of parishioners, SGM participants become more curious about the rest of the congregation. Having been listened to, accepted, and treated with respect in one church activity, they are encouraged to try others.

History

Small Group Ministry evolved out of the covenant group programs created by Christian mega-churches. The original idea was to create a more intimate experience of church so that members would not feel lost and insignificant in a congregation of several thousand. These groups focused on Bible study and saw themselves as recreating the experience of the original Christian cells.

One of the early people to recognize the potential of this covenant group idea in a Unitarian-Universalist context was Rev. Glenn Turner. You can find the text of his influential talkTransforming Our Churches With Small Group Ministry online athttps://www.smallgroupministry.net/gturner/transforming_our_congregations.php.

Naturally, the Christian mega-church vision could not be transplanted to UU churches without a great deal of adaptation. Bible study was replaced with discussions of universal human topics, for example. The first UU churches to start an SGM program had to do a lot of hard work. Fortunately, several of these churches wrote down what they did and made it available to other churches. One of the most influential of these SGM programs is from the Unitarian-Universalist Community Church in Augusta, Maine. (You can find their SGM handbook online athttps://www.smallgroupministry.net/cdame/sourcebook.php) In designing an SGM program for Bedford, we have followed the Augusta model more than any other. By now hundreds of UU congregations either have SGM programs or are in the process of starting them. The details differ from one congregation to the next, but the overall structure is quite similar.

Various individuals suggested that Bedford start an SGM program in 2000 or 2001, but it wasn't until 2002 that interest became sufficiently widespread to make something happen. Our student minister Betty Kornitzer has taken on SGM as her special project and deserves much credit for getting the program off the ground. Planning began in the Adult Education and Programs Committee, which soon spun off a separate Small Group Ministry Committee. Lay members of the SGM Committee are: Natalie Brierley, Sandy Currier, Maria Green, Doug Muder, and Nancy Willett.

The Groups

This section describes how the Small Group ministry groups are organized, what you commit yourself to when you join, how to join, how groups might split in two or leave the program, and the role of the facilitators.

The Value of Stuckness

One reason family relationships are so intimate is that you are stuck with these people. Your siblings, parents, and children may be completely different from you and may even drive you crazy, but you learn to deal with them because you can't replace them. Conversely, they have to learn to deal with you -- warts and all -- because they are stuck with you.

The Small Group Ministry program intentionally incorporates an element of stuckness. You don't get to shop around for your group. You probably will be in a group with people you don't know, and may wind up in a group with someone you don't like. Believe it or not, this is good. If you could shop for a group, you would enter the meeting in a place of judgment, trying to decide whether these people measure up to your standards or not. Conversely, they would be looking at you from a place of judgment and deciding whetheryou measure up totheir standards or not. But because participants don't get to choose their groups, there is no point in passing judgment on each other. You are stuck with these people and they are stuck with you. Make the best of it.

Commitment

Joining the Small Group Ministry program means taking on certain commitments.

You commit yourself to making the group meetings a high priority. Everyone from time to time runs into unpredictable events (like illness) that make it impossible to attend a particular meeting. But if you know from the outset that you will not be able to attend the meetings regularly, don't sign up.

You commit to give the group and its members a chance.You may already know a number of the people in your group and may have prior opinions about them. Or you may have prior opinions about peoplelike them -- opinions about old people or young people or men or women or whatever. We ask that you do your best to put aside your prior opinions and give everyone in your group a chance to surprise you.

You commit to attend four meetings of your group. In the experience of the congregations that have tried SGM, four meetings is what it takes to give the group a chance. If four two-hour meetings is too much for you to risk on a group, don't sign up.

If you continue with the group after the initial four meeting period, you commit to stay with the group through the end of the church year. If it becomes necessary for you to break this commitment, please tell the facilitator or the ministers. It's important for the ministers to know the true size of a group when they are making decisions about whether to add members.

You commit to abide by the group covenant.Unitarian-Universalism is based not on creeds but on covenants, agreements about how we will be together and how we will treat each other. Each group will establish its own rules and practices for showing respect to each other. The initial covenant of each group is the "Guidelines for Discussion" listed later in this handbook. Each group can alter these rules as it sees fit, while retaining the goal of honoring the inherent worth and dignity of each individual.

How to Join

Groups are formed by the ministers, John Gibbons and Betty Kornitzer. (See "The Value of Stuckness" earlier in this handbook.) After consultation with the group facilitator, the ministers can add new members to a group at any time.

To join, contact the church office or one of the ministers and say what times you are available. Please give a variety of times if possible. The ministers use their judgment to decide which groups are best able to accomodate new members, and the more options you give them the better they can do their jobs.

Please do not try to select your own group, either by giving only one time option or by just showing up.

Group Size and Splitting

Groups should have 6-10 members. If six people cannot be found who want to meet at a particular time, no group will be formed in that time slot. If a group grows beyond ten, it may be split. Typically, half the members stay in a group with the facilitator and half form a new group with the assistant facilitator.

Splitting a group is one of the more difficult points in an SGM program. On the one hand it is a positive development that proves the program is growing in a healthy, organic way. But on the other hand, it means that some of the people you are accustomed to seeing will not be in your group any more.

The experience of other churches indicates that group splitting is best done from the outside by the ministers, rather than allowing the group to split itself. It is important that groups not split according to factions, and that neither of the new groups feel rejected by the other. Often no one will want to leave a popular facilitator. To be honest, splitting can be a difficult point in the life of a group; having the ministers split the group minimizes the opportunity for blame and hard feelings.

Facilitators

Each group will have a facilitator and (if possible) an assistant facilitator. The job of the facilitator is to keep the group on schedule, to keep the discussion moving in a productive direction, to give everyone a chance to participate, to maintain awareness of the group's rules, and to mediate any conflicts that may arise. In addition, the facilitator models the tact, openness, and respect that are the hallmarks of a successful group. By meeting regularly with the ministers and other facilitators, the facilitator links his/her group to the program as a whole and makes sure that special problems come to the attention of the ministers in a timely fashion.

The experience of other churches with SGM programs is that the facilitator's role is very important. Unfacilitated or poorly facilitated groups are easily dominated by the loudest or most loquacious members, and the check-in period tends to expand until it fills the entire meeting.

The facilitator is a member of the group. S/he checks in and checks out with everyone else and participates in the discussion. The facilitator is not assumed to be an expert on the topic under discussion, and his/her opinion on the topic should carry no more weight than anyone else's. The facilitator should try to manage the discussion with as light a hand as possible, and the group should respect the facilitator's efforts to keep the discussion moving.

When a conflict develops between the facilitator's two roles, s/he should be a facilitator first and a participant second.

Facilitators are chosen and trained by the ministers. The facilitators meet as a group with the ministers once a month. In these meetings they compare notes, discuss problems, plan topics, and make any necessary changes to the program.

Dealing with Problems

Most problems are best addressed directly. If you have a conflict with another member of your group, try to work it out with that person. If the direct approach doesn't work, take your problem to the facilitator of your group. If your conflict is with the facilitator, you may bring the problem to one or both of the ministers. The ministers can decide to move you to another group, either because of a personal conflict or a schedule conflict, but they would prefer not to.

Leaving the SGM Program

Occasionally a group may find that the rules and procedures of the SGM program are too constraining. Perhaps the group wants to choose its own topics or stop accepting new members or avoid a split or organize its meetings in some way that is radically different from the other groups. It would be foolish for First Parish or the SGM program to try to impose discipline on such a group. The group's participants are free members of a free church, and they can meet together in any way they choose.

We do ask, however, that a group which (by consensus) decides not to be bound by the process described in this handbook should leave the program and stop calling itself "small group ministry". In making this decision, the group is not leaving First Parish. First Parish has plenty of room for support groups, affinity groups, study groups, or any other kind of gathering that is consistent with Unitarian-Universalist principles.

 

The Meetings

At the most basic level, what small groups do is meet and talk. This section describes those meetings.

When and Where

Groups are to meet twice a month, beginning in November, 2002. (Because of the holidays, we anticipate three meetings in November-December, rather than four.) Each group has the option to continue meeting through the summer or not. The time and day of the meeting (for example, Tuesdays at 7:30) are determined when the group is formed, but the group itself decides where these meetings will fall in a month (for example, the first and third Tuesdays). A meeting is typically two hours long.

Groups decide for themselves where to meet. One pattern popular at other churches is for members to take turns hosting the meetings in their homes. This creates an intimate, homey environment for the meetings and divides the work involved in hosting. Another possibility is for groups to meet at the church, which may be a more central location than any member's home. If your group does plan to meet at the church, make sure to call the office and reserve a room. It is advisable to divide the roles of facilitator and host, so that the facilitator can give full attention to the discussion without worrying about the coffee running out.

The Format of a Meeting

The format of the meetings is the one aspect of SGM that doesn't vary much from one congregation to the next. A meeting has the following elements:

Topic:Usually a single word or phrase, like "Values" or "Learning from Failure".

Opening Words:A short reading that provides a transition from the pre-meeting milling around period to the meeting itself. This may be coupled with a simple ritual such as a chalice lighting.

Check-In:Each participant is given the opportunity to tell the group what is going on in his or her life. Each person is encouraged to speak but has the option to pass.

Groups and their facilitators have a lot of leeway in deciding how much of their meeting time to allot to check-in. Check-in may vary from a few sentences to a few minutes per person. Some groups at other churches allow as much as half the meeting for check-in, but this seems excessive to us.

It may take a group several meetings to decide how it wants to handle check-in, but clear expectations should be established and upheld, with allowance for exceptions in situations that are truly exceptional. In some groups an egg-timer is passed around the circle and each person times his/her own check-in. Some groups rely on the facilitator or a designated time-keeper to tell participants when their time is up. Other groups get by with less formal methods. Participants need to realize that consistently lengthy check-ins are a major cause of friction in SGM groups. By using more time for check-in than anyone else, you make an implicit claim that your life is more important or more interesting than the lives of the other participants.

Groups should establish their own norms concerning the level of interaction that is appropriate during check-in. In some groups there is no interaction; only the person checking in speaks. Other groups allow questions or expressions of concern during check-in. In no circumstances should check-in degenerate into uninvited advice-giving, problem-solving, or (worst of all) passing judgment.

Introduction of the Topic:The facilitator reads a paragraph that elaborates on the single word or phrase of the topic. Typically the reading will conclude with a series of questions that invite the participants to relate the topic to their personal experiences.

Discussion of the Topic:The discussion is a group activity through which the participants get to know each other. It is not a debate or an argument, and should never be a monologue. The group is not trying to find an answer or reach consensus about the topic. See the "Ground Rules of Discussion" section.

Not all of the questions raised need to be answered by all of the participants, but everyone should contribute something. The questions are a launching point for the discussion, not a quiz. The group and its facilitator need to strike a balance between letting the energy of the discussion flow and maintaining a focus on the topic.

Check out:Each person is invited to comment on his or her experience of the meeting. As in check-in, a person may pass. This is the time to express concerns about how the meeting structure is working, to make suggestions for future meetings, or to say how the meeting has affected your mood or overall emotional state. Participants shouldnot use the check-out to try to get the last word on the discussion.

In the Augusta model this part of the meeting is called "Likes and Wishes" to emphasize the positive. In other words, check-out should not degenerate into an argument or a complaint session. Express gratitude for the things you liked about the meeting, and give constructive suggestions for future meetings.

Closing words:Another reading, usually shorter than the opening words. If a chalice was lit during the opening words, it should be extinguished now. At the end of the reading, the meeting is officially over.

A Sample Meeting Plan

The following meeting plan was written by Rev. Calvin Dame of the Unitarian-Universalist Community Church of Augusta.

Topic: What We Love

Opening Words:"You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -- over and over announcing your place in the family of things."

Mary Oliver -- Singing the Living Tradition #490

Check in

Introduction of Topic:Mary Oliver says, "You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves."

What do you love?

Tell a story of when you first encountered one of your loves.

How does it feel: doing or being with the thing you love?

How do you feel when you are apart from it or unable to do it?

Are you at peace with the things that you love to do or be?

What would you have to do to "let" yourself love what you love?

How could we help each other achieve that?

Discussion of the Topic

Check out

Closing words:"As we leave this community of the spirit, may we remember the difficult lesson that each day offers more things than we can do. May we do what needs to be done, postpone what does not, and be at peace with what we can be and do. Therefore, may we learn to separate that which matters most from that which matters least of all." --Richard S. Gilbert

Guidelines for Discussion

Given that the purpose of the discussion is for the participants to get to know each other, the guidelines are intended to foster a secure, supportive environment that draws people out and encourages them to say what they really think and feel. This is in contrast to the atmosphere of a debate society, in which people say only what they are confident they can defend.

At times there is a natural tension between saying what you think or feel and supporting others in saying what they think or feel. (For example, you may feel that so-and-so is being a jerk, or think that his/her opinion is totally wrong-headed.) Dealing with this tension is a valuable skill that the SGM program tries to teach. If you believe that you must either squelch yourself or squelch someone else, you are probably not seeing all your options.

The basic rule, which in some sense motivates all the other guidelines is:Show respect for others. Don't assume that others are less intelligent or less informed, or that their experiences are less valuable than yours. Don't abuse or denigrate people who disagree with you. Instead, try to stretch your imagination a positive direction by picturing how good-hearted, intelligent people could say and think and believe the things you're hearing.

The following additional guidelines are adapted from those used by the SGM program at the First Unitarian Society in Newton:

• Speak for yourself.When possible, express yourself in first-person statements ("I didn't follow what you just said.") rather than universal pronouncements ("The world doesn't work that way.") or second-person statements ("You're talking nonsense.")
• Listen carefully.Don't be too quick to assume that another participant is saying something you've heard and rejected in the past.
• Participate, but share speaking time with others.Don't jump into every gap in the conversation; silence allows people time to introspect and collect their thoughts. But do share your ideas and experiences, even if they don't seem as impressive as those of other participants.
• Suspend judgment.You'll get to know other participants much more quickly and deeply if you listen to them non-judgmentally. No decisions are resting on the outcome of the discussion, so it's not important who's right and who's wrong.
• Don't give unsolicited advice.Not everyone who mentions a personal problem wants the group to offer a solution. Those who do want advice can ask for it.

Be clear about issues of confidentiality. If you want the group to keep something confidential, say so. If you are wondering whether you can tell people something that you've heard in the group, ask.

The following additional guidelines are excerpted and adapted from those written by Robert M. Sarly for dialog groups. The dialog groups were designed to promote discussion of the UUA's Study/Action issues, but Sarly's guidelines have worked well in SGM programs at other churches.

• Be ready to begin at the appointed time.In order to do this, you may need to arrive early. By beginning and ending on time, a group shows respect for its members.
• Address your remarks to the group, not to the facilitator.

Communicate your needs.If some aspect of the group is not working for you, say so at an appropriate time. Either tell the group as a whole or discuss it with the facilitator privately. Don't assume that people know what you're thinking or that they don't care -- give them a chance to do well by you.

The Topics

Small Group Ministry is intended to enhance participants' connection with the community, not create islands cut off from the rest of First Parish. For this reason, we would like to keep the groups reasonably in sync. Groups should discuss the same topics at more-or-less the same time. If your group has been discussing, say,service, you can know that members of other groups either have been discussingservice recently or soon will discuss it. In this way, the SGM topics can become general topics of discussion throughout First Parish. (Naturally, we expect SGM participants to be able to discuss the general topics outside their groups without revealing anything told to them in confidence by the other participants.)

Topics and their associated meeting plans are selected by the ministers in consultation with the group of facilitators. Many meeting plans are freely available from other UU churches and others may be written specifically for First Parish. Participants are encouraged to suggest topics to their facilitators or to the ministers, and even to write meeting plans if they feel inspired to do so.

Topics will be selected in sets of three, and groups will have two months (four meetings) to cover them. This system allows each group to decide to spend two sessions on one of the three topics in each set.

Groups have some leeway to decide how much advance warning they want to have about the topics. The facilitator will know all three topics at the beginning of each two-month cycle. S/he could tell the group all three topics immediately, or the group could approach each topic spontaneously, arriving at each meeting without knowing the topic ahead of time. (Obviously if a topic is held over, you will go into the next meeting knowing what it is.) There are advantages to each system, and a group may work out its own in-between variation. We recommend spontaneity as a way of avoiding an overly intellectual approach to the topic, and we hope that each group will at least try a spontaneous session before rejecting the idea.

Keep in mind that purpose of the meeting is to draw each other out, not to have a discussion worthy of PBS. If you do know the topic ahead of time, the best way to prepare is to introspect, relating the topic to your own experiences. Studying for the discussion by reading books or articles can be counter-productive; you may enter the meeting ready to present someone else's thoughts rather than your own, and the other participants will learn little about your feelings and experiences.

 

Welcome

Having read about Small Group Ministry and seen how we have implemented the program here at Bedford, we hope you're as excited as we are and that you're ready to give it a try. We bid you welcome, and wish you best of luck in your new adventure.

Doug,
Thank you for sharing this handbook with us!